We Don't Live Here Anymore (Why I Hate Indie Movies)

                                                                         Ugh...

Ah...the indie movie.  Remember when Reservoir Dogs was supposed to be indie?  I don't either, I'd classify it as more alternative than anything, but that's just labels.  We're not here to talk about labels today.  We're here to talk about how much I hate indie movies and the attitude that anything not mainstream is good.

You'll never forget it, whether you loved it or hated it, the first time you saw a movie that you just couldn't understand.  For some people it was because the material covered was just too hard to wrap their mind around at the time.  For others, it was because the movie was awful.  Well, if your first experience with this was an indie movie, it was probably both.

Now, I'm not talking indie movies in the sense of low-budget affairs that end up way better than they had any right to be.

I am talking about the actually high-budget, A-list garbage that is cranked out by stars who "just want their image seen".  Let me ask you this, why does their image always involve them looking mopey while a Tori Amos song wails in the background and a girl/guy acts disinterested in them?

I can't understand it.  And its not because those movies are above me or something.  Its just because they're bad fucking movies.  There's a huge difference between those categories.  And the people that jump on the indie bandwagon just because they can, need to wake the fuck up.

A four hour black and white French movie about horses is not entertaining.  Its barely even art.  Its that kind of avant garde bullshit that annoys the piss out of me.  And yeah, you're probably sitting there thinking "how American or you".

Yeah, that goes right to the heart.  Seriously, wounded.  No, its not the red-blooded, beer drinking, ass kicking American in me coming out.  Its the person who loves movies.  I have appreciation for all kinds of movies.  On my movie shelf sits classics.  Real, true to life classics.  And cuddled up next to them?  Shit like The Room, countless MST3K DVDs, Simpsons seasons and a season of Heroes that I'm not particularly proud of owning.  And there's also stuff like Charlie Bartlett, Boondock Saints, King of Kong, etc.  I like anything if its good.

But therein lies the problem.  I like stuff that you don't and vice versa.  And here is where this whole trip gets strange, sometimes those lines cross.  Sometimes.

I don't despise all independent movies.  But there has to be a stark difference.  You can't just throw that label on everything that doesn't come from one of the big distributors.  Or else I'll fall into the trap that I'm sure some people have in thinking that Juno was a good movie. Its not.  Its a fucking boring quirkfest with weird ass music and Michael Cera...and Jason Bateman its a fucking Clooney away from being IFC's biggest circle jerk.

And please, don't think I'm ill-informed.  I've watched plenty of this garbage.  Most of it stars Kat Dennings, but that's a story for a different time.  You guys can't rush into something on the off-chance that it might be good because its different.  That's how we gave power to Sundance.  And let me ask you, what did that get us??  Hmm?  Exactly.

So what can we do about this affliction?  Closing vintage clothing stores en masse would be a good start.  But since we can't do that, I say that we do what we should always do when something needs to change, vote with our wallets.  Do you honestly want Kirsten Dunst to direct anything?  What's next, Robert Pattinson and Spielberg teaming-up for an in-depth look at relationships on the coast of Iceland during hunting season?  I don't want to live in that world.

So, I'll be going to see The Avengers.  I'll be going to see Batman and whatever the hell else looks like it may be good.  I won't go see something just because its directly parallel to something else.  That's backwards thinking and will do no good.  Besides, every time you actually seek out a five hour long movie from the black heart of Switzerland, God makes another Fred Durst.  No, those two things aren't related in any way, but do you want to take that chance?

Keep on rollin'

Of Metal Covers and Madness

Greetings people that read this that I'm probably aping from Facebook.

I haven't posted anything in a long ass time, for a party mix of reasons.  None of which I'll get into.  Well maybe one thing.  Yeah, one thing.  I got into WoW again pretty hot and heavy, and then just sort of slid away from it, but now, the account is closed forever, the authenticator is broken and the account password changed.

In my time away from WoW, I have learned something about myself in relation to the internet; we've spent far too much time apart.  Now, we hardly recognize one another.  Sure, the internet still remembers who I am, and I still dwell on the great nights that we had, but she's moved on, and that's okay.

So I have a variety of things I'd like to get into, sort of clear out the junk drawer before I get back into the blog again.

Number 1: 


I hate MTV.  Not for the standard and cliche reasons.  No, this isn't some mild "well its because of Jersey Shore" thing.  No, no.  This, is pure vitriol.  I hate MTV more than I hate G4, and I loathe G4.  Stupid Adam Sessler.  Anyways, the reason I hate MTV because they almost completely separate themselves from music.  Its kind of like when parents get divorced.  They still get together for your birthday, but you can tell, they don't like being in the same room together.

Now, I understand that every channel needs a certain set list of things.  There's no fixing that.  But to start off as something so ground breaking, and then become so...benign.  Its frustrating.  Most of the blame for this...is late 90s kids.  You fucks.  Carson Daly was never cool.

Number 2:


I love Japanese television more than anyone has any right to.  But only when its subbed.

Number 3:


Metal covers of 80s new waves songs are all almost universally awesome.  Naysay all you want, but if you hear a bitchin' guitar solo put in the middle of "Neverending Story", you'll be on board.  That's an actual thing. Look it up.

Now, I realize that its not for everyone.  People who grew up with that music will probably not like it, and that's fine.  I'm sure I'll be miffed when someone starts doing Stabbing Westward covers...if they haven't already.  Hold on, let ME check something...fucking damn it.

Anyways, if you're a fan of metal (doesn't hurt if you like symphonic or even prog) then give some of them a shot, its crazy to see what the Swedish or even the Italians do with some of that music.

Number 4:


Fuck movies.  For real.  Aside from like two movies coming out this year, there is absolutely nothing that I want to see.  Its odd too, because I used to have like two or three every other month that I was getting stoked about.  Now, absolutely nothing looks appealing to me.  I want to see The Avengers because I liked Thor and want to see more of that.  I want to see Batman...because its fucking Batman.  Everything else?  Not a chance.  And its not because I'm some kind of film expert.  Not at all.  I couldn't tell you thing one about how to properly assemble a movie.  But I can recognize when one of the parts isn't working right.

Everyone is on the Hunger Games' crotch all of the sudden.  My reaction?  A big, fat "meh".  It looks lazily pooped together.  That's right, pooped together.  The characters are wooden, the sets look boring as fuck, and the costumes are twenty seven kinds of crazy.  And also Lenny Kravitz.  Plus, I've seen Battle Royale.  Both of them, in fact.  So there's nothing there that I haven't seen or read before.  Sorry, but all the money its making, seems kind of sad.  Especially when you consider that a Battle Royale remake was scrapped more or less because it was coming.

I understand, in a post-Harry Potter world, we have to have some franchise to bleed tweens and scary mothers dry.  But isn't there one out there better than this?  Maybe someone, someday will write something so groundbreaking and amazing that we won't need this garbage...but who could do such a thing?  I bet he'd be charming and witty with great hair and a killer jawline...

Hmm...?  Oh, yeah, moving on.

Did anyone see Chronicle?  I did, that movie was fucking amazing.  Where is the billions of dollars for it?  It basically remade an anime and was excellent to boot.  But no, that kind of loot is saved for schlock that no one is going to care about in ten years.  Me?  I'll still watch The Room every few months just to make sure its a real movie and that I own it.  Right next to my copy of Birddemic.  Yeah, I got one.

But my point is, to act like these movies are big and important works of cinema is almost laughable.  They, like most everything churned out of any sector of film these days is all the same nonsense.  The horror genre is almost entirely zombie or giant animal related since no one is going to take vampires seriously for half a century after Twilight.  Action movies are pretty much the same.  If they're not super hero related, they're sly mixes of comedy.  Drama is...well...drama.  But its like that across the board.  No one is shaking up anything.  Everyone is acting so fucking safe.  Its disheartening to know that this crap is being made, but behind each one of those, there are ten great ideas waiting to be made, but no one wants to take that chance.

But I mean, what are we supposed to do?  Its not like we can vote with our wallets, because for every one of us that cares about movies, there are going to be ten Affliction wearing d-bags going to see Battleship.  We're going to lose out every time.

And as the name of the blog suggests, I'm not angry.  I'm not even really all that saddened.  I'm middle of the road content.  Because I've accepted that change is nothing unless people can get behind the ideals.  Sure, its nice to hear it, but if it means nothing, then its all just air.

So, in closing, I'll leave you with this thought; if you are going up against a group of your peers in a fight to the death where only one can survive...would you rather be killed by someone named Katniss, or someone that looked like this...

Yeah, gettin' all Kiriyama up in this bitch.

Music Track to follow, and I'm out.